Friday, October 24, 2003
The Music
This post is about the music. First I'd like to take a moment to remember Elliot Smith who committed suicide a few days ago. Chandler and I have been remembering him by listening to a couple of his best songs. The other thing I wanted to mention is that the new Something Coporate CD "North" is out and the next chance I get I'm going to buy it. If you've never heard anything by Something Corporate I would recommend you listen to it, because it's fucking awesome!!!!! Yeah!!
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Sunday, October 12, 2003
The answers and motivations behind some of my previous thought processes illude me, and its frustrating. Would you describe me at any point as egotistical?
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Thursday, October 02, 2003
in·cu·bus n.
1. An evil spirit supposed to descend upon and have sexual intercourse with women (or Men) as they sleep.
2. A nightmare.
This word has so much meaning right now. Ok so the following events are completely true down to the last word.
Atlanta was surprisingly warm in the late afternoon sun. I, consumed reading my book Lightning, sat at the bus terminal waiting for 5:30 when my bus would leave. 5:15 rolled around, and it seemed as if they were boarding the bus, a line of people gathered at the terminal door and began to exit. I got up and followed these people who I would spend the next 9 hours with. With a bag of clothes in one hand and a box of movies in the other, I stood in the very back of the line and exited the terminal toward the bus. They began to board the bus, but as I approached the bus door, the bus driver got out and stopped the last few people in line, they thought they had overbooked the bus. After conferring with another driver and a terminal worker, they found they had just enough seats left. Walking slowly donw the aisle of seats filled with people I found the last seat in the back, right next to the bathroom in the back of the bus. Sighing, I put my box of movies in the compartment above my seat and my bag under my seat. The seats in the back are three wide, and do not recline back like the others. I sat in the seat at the very end of the aisle so that I could see all the way to the front of the bus unobstructed. A man sat next to me and a woman next to him, they were deep in conversation about their destinations, the woman leaned over to ask me a question, "How far is Tampa from Tallahassee?". I shrugged, I had no idea. The man next to me was dressed in some similar clothes that I often wear, and had short, bleached top. He had a book in front of him, something about astrology and yoga and eastern philosophy or something of the sorrt, when I first saw him, the possibility that he was gay had crossed my mind, and after hearing him talk for a few minutes I was convinced he was. I thought that might be cool, because I often have interesting conversations with gay people. I pulled out my book and continued to read. The bus hit major traffic south of Atlanta that delayed us 2 hours, about how long it took me to finish the book. It was a pretty good book, and when I finished I went back and read the passages on a few pages i had marked with old Bus tickets stubs, passages I marked that had some significance to me, or that seemded to speak to me more than the rest of the book. When I was finished I replaced the book in my bag and pulled out a blanket that I had stowed for the trip. I covered my self, leaned back and tried to sleep. It had begun to rain outside, making traffic evenworse, I knew it was going to be a long trip. There was a strange silence in the bus, people spoke, but no sounds came out, the only sound to be heard was that of the engine of the bus and the rain pounding from outside. Under the blanket my arms were crossed, my right hand on my left arm and vice versa. At first I didn't notice that my hand was very barely touching the hand of the man next to me. I didn't notice until he began to softly touch my hand. "Whoa" I thought, "Okay, um what do I do?". With my eyes still closed, I turned my body away from him. That didn't stop him, he continued and began to caress my entire arm, cold unfamiliar fingers under the blanket I stowed, so no one else could see. I though for a second, "okay, just tell him you're not interested". It took me a few seconds to work up the courage to say that, awkward air is no fun at all. I faked a waking yawn and sniff, he kept touching me eventhough he knew I was awake. I turned to him and said, "Sorry, but I'm not interested." He looked confused for a second, my voice was to thin to hear of the roaring rain. I leaned closer and repeated it. His face contorted disappointingly for a moment then changed to a smile and a nod. On closer inspection of his face, I estimated his age at about 25. Creepy. Awkwardness filled the air, I wanted to move, but there was nowhere to move. So I sat through it. For a few hours I stayed awake. I spoke to Tara through IM on my phone and a little bit to Sarah as well. We stopped in Macon, finally. I got off and had a cigarrette, but there was no time to eat. Only a few people got off in Macon, and just as many people got back on. So I had to stay in my seat. I felt tired again. I wrapped my blanket around my arms, leaned forward and rested my head on my arms and my arms on my knees. Slowly I began to doze off and jsut before I slept I felt an odd sense of pressure on my hip. I disregarded it at the time and fell asleep. For much of the remainder of the journey I was in and out of sleep, shifting my position often. I woke again at around 12:00. I sat awake for a long period of time, contemplating, thinking about what Tara and I had talked about. Considering my situation. I wrapped my arms again in my blanket and leaned forward and laid my head on them. I closed my eyes trying to go to sleep, but not having much success at that point. Then I felt that pressure on my hip again, but it moved this time. Suddenly I realized what it was, the hand of the guy next to me. He was touching me, my thigh, my butt. I froze, I had no idea what to do. I wanted to sit up and yell "What the Fuck are you doing you perverted fuck!" but my lips remained sealed. It felt as if someone had driven a hand in my mouth and grabbed my stomach. I could feel every bump, every crease, every disgusting detail in his hand fingernails, the tiny hairs on the knuckle, every tiny speck of dirt. Moving slowly, sharp but soft, as if a rusty razor blade was tracing my skin. I thought about my keys, had they been in my hand. I wish they were, I would lay the solid metal between my fingers in a fist and drive them in a furious punch into his neck, but they were sitting in the bottom of my pocket, lifeless and useless as of now. Fingers crossed over and down the forbidden valley, I had to get away, what to do. I heard someone stand up and walk towards the back, the vile creature next to me quickly jerked his hand away. That was my chance, I again faked a yawn and stretch, stood and went into the bathroom. I was free, but my mind began swimming. Had he been doing that the whole time I was asleep, how had I not noticed it before, where else had he touched me. Then I remembered the pressure on my leg I had felt before and it hit me. A burning stream of bile found its way up my throat and dripped from my throat like a faucet as I hunched over the toilet, the bus jerking back and forth only made it worse. I stayed into the bathroom for awhile. Finally, I noticed we stopped. Through a tiny window I saw that many people were getting off. I exited the bathroom and grabbed my blanket and bag, and quickly went to a row of empty seats. I layed down in the dark. The bus continued on its way. The whole way to Thomasville, I lay in fear, what if he came over, was he going to Tallahassee too, what am I goign to do about the box of movies I left in the compartment above him. I decided that If he was going to Tallahassee I would wait until he got off the bus before I went anywhere, throwing away the idea of going back there to get it while he was still there. I couldn't trust myself to yell at him if he had made a pass at me. Lucky me, he got off at Thomasville, but as he passed me on the bus he turned and gave me a smile. I felt impaled by a thousand needles, I half expected to see blood all over the wall when I turned away. At least he was gone. At least he was gone. I said to myself all the way to Tallahassee. Thank god for Chandler. He met me a little ways from the bus staion on my walk home. We stopped at McDonalds to get some food. McDonalds is open 24 hours down here, and it was 2:30 in the morning. I fell into thought. I had come up with a hundred things to do had I been mugged, but never ever thought about what to do if I were sexually assaulted. Stuff like that doesnt happen to guys. At least thats what I thought. Now I know I was horribly wrong. Horribly wrong
This thought disintegrated at 8:56 PM
The topic of my sexuality has come up a lot recently, well not actually my sexuality, buyt more peoples impression of my sexuality. A lot of people, when I first meet them, think I'm gay. Actually I addressed it while talking to Chandlers way cool suitemate Kyle, (not stoner kyle, the other kyle). We were driving to the mall, and Kyle started talking about how he would probably never experience what it would be like to be a minority. I mentioned that I kinda did because people tend to think I'm gay when they first meet me. He said, "Yeah, I did too, but now I know better." This isn't irregular either, Chandler told me when I was first applying for a job at Autoindulgence that everyone there thought I was gay. And recently, a few people I've met thought that I was gay. I guess I can sorta see why. I spoke with Chandler on this, we agreed that a lot of it is what I wear, and the way I handle myself. It got me thinking, does the Manther look gay? Do I really fit the description of a stereotypical gay guy? Well, yeah, I guess I do, but it doesn't bother me. I know I'm not gay, and just because I can spot a hot guy when I see one doesn't mean I'm gay, just means I know what the ladies are looking for. Although it is annoying when somebody screams fag or some crude homosexual reference out the window of a moving car at me. Get a better Gaydar ya fucking losers!! Whatever. I'm straight, I only have a sexual attraction to women (with the exception of Jason, Chandler and Adam!), and as long as I know it, that's all that matters.
This thought disintegrated at 8:38 PM
