Friday, March 28, 2003
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Monday, March 17, 2003
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Monday, March 03, 2003
This may sounds a bit wordy because I've been reading Oedipus Rex, and I'm in that sort of in the mood right now. It was a week ago tonight that I was ruined. Ruined by my own greed, ruined by my own sense of power. My elders learned of my trickery late, just as my eyes were falling in sleep. Awoken by a great clamor, I was called in to the kitchen for a not so brief word with them. My parents, furious, found that I had but a 7 in math, they then learned of my absence from class to work on the Twilight Zone. I sat subdued, contained, I did not want to make things worse by speaking up. They said they would take me out of the play, take my computer, my car, my life. My father himself called me a coward. They were goign to send me to an in state college, destroying my dreams of FSU. Worlds within my mind crashed and crumbled as I was sent to bed, yet I could not sleep, I could do nothing but think. After a few hours I decided to leave, steal my keys, pack a bag and run away. Sarah had agreed to take me in for the night, and so wearily and shakely I drove to her home, and climbed in through her window. We talked until dawn, when we rode out and watched the sun rise, and for a moment I forgot all my problems. They came flooding back as my father called and demanded that I came home. His voice so domineering, I had not the strength or fortitude of mind to stand up to him, and so I cowered and returned, crushed under the weight of events. I returned finding my sister, thank God for her, had spoken with them and made them lighten a little. They sent me to bed after some talking, and I slept for what seemed like ages. 24 hours. Longer than I had ever before.
This thought disintegrated at 5:05 PM
I heard a phrase today that I’ve heard only four times in my entire life, and every time it’s so eerily similar that it seriously takes a chunk out of me. Fuck, I said ‘seriously’, I’ve been trying to wean myself off of using that word cuz I use it so much. Whenever anyone says ‘I didn’t think you could make me mad Ian, but you did’, It makes me feel like nothing more than a pile of shit. And what’s freaky is that the phrase is the same every time I hear it, well there are slight variations, but otherwise exact. Of course this phrase always comes from a friend, and it kills me because I hold my friends above all others, except maybe my sister, but otherwise my friends are the most important people to me, so when I let them down I feel like shit. So I try my hardest not to, but I’m only human, and humans make mistakes, that is unfortunately what makes us human. Anyway, for those few people who have said that to me, I want to make an extra apology.
This thought disintegrated at 9:16 PM
If everyone had a sibling like mine, the world would be a better place. I spent a lot of the weekend with my sister, and found that she completely agrees with me about our parents. My sister has had problems eating bordering on an eating disorder which has added to my stress the past week. My parents absolutely freaked when they found out, they are trying to be all righteous and telling her what to do. They've ordered her on house arrest and have forced her to eat more. SHE's 21 for christ sake! There is a difference between showing her the way and doing it for her, and showing is 10x better. That's what her boyfriend (who is a really really great guy, and I mean really, he really loves her, I cant stress to you enough how good he is to her so I have to use 'really' a bunch of times) and I have been doing, guiding not forcing. My sister knows that she been the favorite ever since we were little, and she has apologized for it, and though I absolutely do not resent her for it, it did make me feel better that I'm not the only one knows and that I'm not drawing my own conclusions. Its good to have someone to verify reality for you. And spending the weekend with my sis, I observed her eating habits and shes already far along on the road to recovery. She's seeing a psychiatrist now, and it was suggested that we have a family session, but I don't really want to for a few reasons. 1) though I'm probably not, I feel to smart and conscious of things to see a psychiatrist. 2) She'll try and take what my parents are doing "reuniting the family" and all that crap and make it worse. and then when I dont comply she'll try and "focus" her attention on me and try and conform me away from my friends and my hermit-like home life. Which will end up making me miserable and in need of more therapy. I'm sorry but family values have not applied to me in a long time, and that's fine with me, I'm happy with that. It hasn't made me a bad person, I don't do "bad" things. I'm a teenager so I beleive that I'm entitled a few things. I have done absolutely nothing to betray my parents trust in me, and yet they don't trust me. My sister opened my eyes to something a few hours ago, that had lingered in my mind, yet couldnt be expressed in words until now, and when she said this I thought of Laura's current problem. It's difficult to talk to your parents and its because, what you would say as a friend they can use against you as a parent. Which is why Laura's mother shouldn't read her blog, because with your friends you can be uncensored and with your parents, though you may be friends with, are still your parents and must act accordingly. I'm thinking though that she'll have a problem, because parents want to know everything about their children, but I'm hoping that her mother will be mature enough to realize the world truth hear, that there are things places that children need to vent, such as a diary or blog, and that its normal, and that she has a responsibility to leave it alone. It takes a mature parent to know these things, and she should put herself in Laura's shoes, but it's seems ominous that it may not occur, and it looks liek we should add another to those parents that just don't get it, and aren't sensitive to the needs of their children. And with Sarah's current fiasco, her mother made them all cry, she went psycho or something. WAKE UP! WAKE UP! You have responsibilties to your children,a certain amount of freedom they deserve that you need not interfere with unless they have been a bad child. GET IT!?!?!?!? Ughhh, we need to make a club or something. Well, If I beleived in God I would be praying to him right now, but he didn't really help out when I did beleive in him, so I doubt he'll help when I don't. But I'll pray anyway, Dear GOD, lets make everything better with the parents! Man, everything is just so screwed up these days. I wish people could jsut stop out of themselves for a minute and evaluate what they are doing, its what keeps me sane. Maybe stop thinking of themselves for a little bit and think how their actions affect others. I want you to know that your alll like sisters to me, and adversly I would act like a brother, I can understand most of what you all are going through, I went through much of it myself during middle school, and the rest I would like to help you get through.
This thought disintegrated at 6:03 PM
When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain,
Before high -piled book, in charact'ry
Hold like rich garners the full-ripened grain
When I behold, upon the night's starred face
Huge cloudy symboly of high romance
And think that i may never live to trace
Their shadows, with magic hand of chance
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love! - then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink
- John Keats
We're studying some poems by this guy in Lit. I put this one up here as kind of a salute to him, because unfortunately, he died before his career took off. Many say he could have been the greatest Romantic period writer. Its a shame, because his stuff is really really good. Makes me kinda sad.
This thought disintegrated at 12:04 AM
My parents are bad parents. Not necessarily bad people, but they serve as better friends than parents. AND IM FUCKING PISSED! Ok so let’s start at the beginning, eh? Have you ever been called a disgrace? Sure maybe a few of you have when you did something really bad, but have you ever been called a disgrace regularly? I have, my mom used to fling that around like it was no thing. Did she mean it? Probably not, but when you are only 8 it hurts a lot anyway ok? So my Mom has never been interested in me, 90% of the time I get grounded its because she embarrassed of me, not because I did something wrong. I don’t get praise for good grades, I get scolded for bad ones. If anyone has ever seen “Igby Goes Down” my Mom more closely resembles Igby’s mother more than any of your mothers, I guarantee it. My dad, he’s not that bad, but he pretty much missed out on 3 years of my life due to his work, I’m sure that’s not much for some people, but it’s enough for me. Ok, so really, my mother adores my sister much more than me, and don’t even give me that “parents love their children equally” bullshit because it just isn’t true. My sister is absolutely perfect to my mother, but I don’t hold any animosity towards my sister for it, I know it isn’t her fault. So who forgets their sons 14th and 15th birthday consecutively? My parents do! I don’t even remember my 16th birthday, so I can’t tell if they forgot that one too. And who was in Russia during my 17th? My Mom was! So I’ve never really been big on the whole birthday thing. Can you blame me? My parents stopped being a part of my life other than “Son you’re grounded” at around age 10. They don’t know shit about me. They don’t know how fucking unstable I was in middle school, but not many do. Do they know I tried to slit my wrists on a few occasions? Fuck no. And I’m not asking for your fucking pity like Nick Levin does, I’m just pointing out the facts. They actually made fun of me if I had a love interest, so I don’t tell them shit anymore. So fuck, I’m getting almost straight A’s this year, first time in my entire fucking life, and my dad contributes to the fact that I’m taking a bunch of slacker classes. Oh no, Ian can’t possibly be actually doing well in school for once, no he must be taking easy classes, that must be it. My best grades last semester were in my most difficult classes fuck head! My dad and I made a deal a few years ago, that for every grade I got on my end of semester report card, I would get some money. A=$ 50 B=$ 20 C=$ -30. I had collected on that last semester he would have owed me $270. But I didn’t because he’s a fucking joke. So I think after a yelled at them for forgetting my birthday about 6 months ago, I think they realized “wow we are fucking Jack asses”. And so they are all like “We want to be involved in your life, please talk to us”. Its too fucking late! You had your chance and you fucking blew it. So now they are angry that I live like a hermit in my house, only leaving the sanctity of my room to get food, go to the bathroom, or leave the house. So what is bringing all this out right now? Because I’m fucking grounded for the first time in nearly 2 years. And it’s BULLSHIT! My mother is the HITLER of grounding. When she grounds me it’s not like Chad’s mom does with the whole “You don’t get the car for a week” or “You can’t film tonight”. No, no My mother goes the whole nine yards. No car, no cell phone, no computer, no outings with friends until further notice. That’s right, she keep the punishment for long ass periods of time until she feels I’m ready to have it back. Once, she kept it for an entire summer, all the way up until Christmas, in which my father decided to lift it as a Christmas gift. So now I’m grounded, supposedly because I didn’t make enough of an effort to contact her the other night when we went to see Rocky Horror Picture Show to tell her I was sleeping over, even though I called her work, my dad’s cell phone, and the house 3 times attempting to contact her. I had to almost get down on my knees and beg her to let us film so we can finish the movie. Apparently that’s not the only reason either. She’s angry that now that we’ve gotten our house fixed up from the shit hole it used to be, I’ve been having friends over. Yes, people never come to my house, until now. She’s like “Oh it screwing things up, slowing progress, and you are messing up the carpet”. OK bitch, if you’re so damn worried about the new fucking carpet and the house, then why the FUCK did you bring home a 1 month old puppy without even consulting the rest of the family? I live here too, I think I’m entitled to either a say in matters as this, or immunity to your fucking bitching. FUCK. So she gave me a lecture, and afterwards I tried to go to sleep, but no, lets put Ian in some sweatshop type labor. My mom made me stuff and seal 150 manilla envelopes, while she went out and ran some errands, it took me an hour and a half. “Hey dad, you want to come and help me stuff these envelopes?” “Fuck no son, I’m too busy making myself some breakfast, but hey I’ll make you a few slices of bacon!” So now I’m fucking grounded for who knows how long. Broken will have to be put on hold for a little while longer. Hopefully I’ll be able to weasel my way out of this like I usually do. I know all the things to do to negate their bad parenting, like tell them what they want to hear, and not have a bad attitude, I’m very good at it. Well, goign to see Rocky Horror Picture Show on Saturday was more than fucking worth it, that was soo much fun!
This thought disintegrated at 6:24 PM
